Let me start by saying that I really like the boxes. They’re snappy and visually exciting. I felt drawn to read the boxes and enjoyed the simple messages. The tea reminded me of my first introduction to tea, which for those who know my story, was with Traditional Medicinal Teas – Golden Green Tea.

I started with Organic R & R, which is right up my alley. Who wouldn’t want a little Rest and Relaxation? They used organic lemon balm / melissa leaf and organic passion flower, which are both good selections for herbal relaxation remedies. I was delighted by the flavor and enjoyed the whole cup before bed. Truth be told, I had an excellent night’s sleep, but who knows if it was a placebo effect or the herbs? I’m happy to develop a ritual for a while and see how it goes. My next tea selection was Organic Easy Digestion, which contains anise, chamomille, and mint, all organic, of course. Again, the taste was quite nice and easily consumed. I drank it after a dinner, during which I ate too much, and avoided any sense of fullness or discomfort. Time will tell, as I’ll continue to drink it after meals where I’ve overindulged a bit. My final taste test was with their Organic Green Tea. The spearmint keeps the tea tasting quite good, although, to be honest, I prefer my green tea to be whole leaf. However, I’m happy to keep some packets in my purse for when I’m out and about.

I would have to give these products a decided thumbs up. As I do with Traditional Medicinal, I always use two tea bags for “medicinal” purposes, so I suspect I’ll do the same with HELPS. I haven’t seen it at my local store in Hood River or in Portland, but I won’t be surprised to find it coming out to the Pacific Northwest. I love the message on their boxes, which speaks of their company PHARMADUS, whose mission is “to create new and innovative products through research and technology without forgetting the lessons and values learned from previous generations: a love of and devotion to natural herbs and an enduring commitment to health.” My herbalist husband, Sandy, couldn’t have said it better. For those with a variety of complaints, you can try MAKE IT EASY (constipation relief), FOR LOW SUGAR DIETS, which I assume targets those with diabetes, BREATHE, and JUST FOR HER (“feel yourself even during menopause”). An interesting selection and organic to boot. Enjoy.

By the way, HELPS just announced a kids Valentine’s Day card photo contest.  The winner will receive the entire HELPS KIDS teas line.  If you are interested, check out the details on HELPS website.  The contest ends February 16.

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Just eight months ago, Mamta Banerjee came to power, ousting a 34-year-old communist regime and purportedly settling the Gorkhaland issue by signing a peace agreement that set up an administrative interim body called GTA (Gorkhaland Territorial Authority). These actions are now festering into a lengthy brawl that includes certain plains into GTA and have many concerned about the quality of tea during the coming years.

In the past, dispatches of teas and tea samples have been stymied by strikes and other tools of political unrest, affecting the quality, quantity, and economics of tea in the hills. This is likely to continue, as the unrest seems to be spreading to adjoining areas with more and more groups flexing their political muscles to wield their power and influence.

A tea garden manager, who is at the center of everything, has to perform despite every natural or manmade calamity, but prevailing political conditions seem to be spiraling out of control. As one of the tea garden owners puts in a very cordial note:

“I live in Darjeeling and have been slogging it out in the tea estates since 1980. We work hard to produce the best teas that we can, it is then sent to the Kolkata auctions for sale. Our brokers taste the teas, they show it to the merchant exporters and besides evaluating our teas they then give us comments on the quality of the teas and how, maybe, we could have done better. ?The way the auctions and the trade are structured (buyers, auctioneers, tea garden owners are all located in Kolkata and the tea producer/manager in the farmlands), the NEGATIVE ATTRIBUTES of the TEAS are MAINLY HIGHLIGHTED. These reports hardly ever reflect the years and hours of hard work that a planter/farmer puts into his temple of meditation to create a product that millions enjoy, day in and day out. The merchant exporter buyer, after listing out all the negative attributes of the tea, does put in a bid, but one which is considerably lower than what it is worth. ?Anyway, sorry for the mundane details, but for us farmers this is a medium through which we have gained RECOGNITION and appreciation. We have been able to export miniscule quantities of our teas directly to our consumers who have appreciated them. We have been able to educate our consumers and importers on the finer aspects of tea production and cultivation and for me this is my REMUNERATION AND also my COMPENSATION PACKAGE.”

Nestled in the foothills of Scottsdale’s McDowell Mountains lies the sprawling 600-acre desert complex called Taliesin West, designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. In 1937, Wright purchased a piece of that desert and set about building the campus, which would serve as his home, studio, and teaching center until his death at the age of 91.

The buildings and the landscape at Taliesin West coexist in harmony – form and color, beauty and grace, nature and science are all blended. This was a concept Wright learned from The Book of Tea, written by Okakura Kakuzo in 1906. His favorite quote from that classic text is etched in the wall of the campus auditorium, “The reality of the building does not exist in the roof and walls but in the space within to be lived.”

Afternoon Tea at the Arizona Biltmore

It’s only a short drive from Taliesin West to the only existing hotel in the United States with a Frank Lloyd Wright-influenced design, The Arizona Biltmore. “The Jewel of the Desert” resort was designed in 1929 by a student of Frank Lloyd Wright. Unique to the property are the “Biltmore Sprites,” slender statues of ethereal spirits conceived in 1914 for a project Wright was working on in Chicago.

Six of the disarming creations are strategically placed throughout the gardens, bringing an aura of peace and tranquility to the historic resort. The famous Biltmore swimming pool was a favorite hangout of Marilyn Monroe, and Irving Berlin penned “White Christmas” while sitting poolside.

A white Christmas in Phoenix is a rarity, so guests flock to see the elaborately decorated lobbies filled with two-story Christmas trees and a dazzling display of gingerbread houses. And a reservation to Afternoon Tea at the Arizona Biltmore is the beginning of many happy memories for Phoenix families. While visions of sugarplums might dance in some children’s minds, it’s Eggnog Brulée and White Chocolate Peppermint Scones that keep these young revelers awake at night.

Japanese Friendship Garden of Phoenix

Frank Lloyd Wright would be pleased to know that Phoenix now has an authentic Japanese garden, thanks to their Sister Cities partnership with Himeji, Japan. The Japanese Friendship Garden, named Ro Ho En, consists of a 3.5-acre Japanese Stroll Garden with tea garden and tea house. This serene setting features flowing streams, waterfalls, footbridges, lanterns, and more than 50 varieties of plants. One of the main attractions is the Japanese Tea House.

Japan’s influence on Wright can be traced back to the 1893 Columbian Exposition in Chicago where, as a young architect, he saw his first Japanese tea house, and immediately began incorporating the Japanese art aesthetic into his designs. After touring Taliesin and all the great tea places in the Phoenix area, it seems fitting to end your pilgrimage at The Japanese Friendship Garden, where you can lift a bowl of sencha to Wright. Tea, art, nature, and tranquility all combine in this mystical oasis.

Photographs by Bruce Richardson. This story first appeared in the September 2011 edition of TeaTime magazine.

Melanie Lee's Winning Photo

Congratulations to Melanie Lee for winning T Ching’s photo contest on Facebook.  After careful deliberation, we chose Ms. Lee’s photograph because of the sense of movement and mystery it conveys. As our winner, Melanie will receive teaware (either a teapot or mug).  Honorable mentions go out to Justin Meyers and Jo Johnson for their creative submissions.  Stay tuned for more T Ching contests and promotions.  Remember to check out our blog regularly for more in-depth posts about our favorite drink – tea!  And like us on Facebook too!

The honorable mentions (Justin Meyers on the left and Jo Johnson on the right) are shown below:

One of my favorite experiences when visiting this area is seeing the sunrise on Mt. Kanchenjunga, the third highest peak of the Himalayas. Tibetan for “Five Treasuries of the Great Snows,” Mt. Kanchenjunga has been a sight to behold a number of times, but on this recent trip, I enjoyed the spectacle after walking only a few steps from my bedroom door. Glenburn’s main house faces directly to the snow-covered peaks and the conditions were just right for a breathtaking view. Just before the first rays of the day’s sun began to kiss the highest peak, I borrowed a chair and cushion from the veranda and moved it out under the cover of the fading stars. A watchful staff member was quick to appear with a pot of freshly brewed tea.

As the tea warmed me from within, the golden rays of the dawn painted the inspirational scene. Transfixed by the timeless and indomitable presence of the majestic peaks, I could hardly blink for fear of missing an instant’s opportunity to drink in the panoramic vista. As the moments passed, the contours of the mountain were bathed in hues of gold, then orange, then pink, and finally brilliant white. After a second cup of tea, I stood up and turned my gaze across the valley toward the town of Darjeeling. The sun was now fully blanketing the hillside, and the windows of the houses reflected the light, sparkling like countless diamonds. Inspired, I returned to my room and climbed back under the covers, just in time to have my “morning tea” served bedside.

Having had the good fortune to enjoy teas in many wonderful places, I do have other favorite teas. For me, however, drinking Darjeeling tea is not just an aromatic and flavorful pleasure; it is inseparably infused with the experiences I’ve had there – the land, its people, and its culture.

For more information on the Tea Tour of India 2012, visit World Tea Tours online.

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For instance, walnuts look like a tiny human brain, and, interestingly enough, the walnut contains Omega 3 fatty acids, which have been shown to boost brain function. Likewise, a stalk of celery is long and strong like a bone, and the minerals in celery have bone-strengthening properties. In the Southern California desert where I live, we have something called a Creosote bush that smells very pungent after a bout of rain. Quite appropriately, Native Americans used the leaves of this bush to treat odors and foot fungus.

Here are a few other fun examples:

Blueberries: The small berry resembles the iris of a human eye. Blueberries are high in an antioxidant called anthocyanidin, which helps protect numerous aspects of vision. (These bioflavanoids also give berries their blue color.)

Beets and Beet Juice: This deep-red root resembles a human heart with veins and arteries attached, and its juice is a beautiful hue of magenta. Beets and beet juice contain powerful antioxidants that may protect against heart disease and regulate high blood pressure.

Ginger: Another root, this pungent rhizome resembles the digestive tract (as well as the waste matter that comes out of it). Ginger is a well-known digestive aide, as its potent essential oils stimulate digestive enzymes and improve gastrointestinal movement.

Green Tea: Of course, this being T Ching, we come to green tea. What does the doctrine of signatures tell us about this little green leaf? What does it look and smell like? How does this correlate to our bodies? The answer is largely subjective: In the bright green leaf, I see strength and vivacity (green tea’s antioxidant EGCG kills cancer cells in lab studies). From the fresh grassy smell, I imagine fresh breath (green tea attacks the root cause of bad breath). In the slender young leaf, I see a lean body (green tea boosts thermogenesis to aid in fat loss). And in the delicate white flower, I see new life and reproductive health (green tea has been shown to double the odds of conception).

Of course, all of these examples may be merely a matter of coincidence rather than causation, but it’s nevertheless an amusing way to learn the many health benefits associated with any given food or herbal remedy. For any parents out there, this might be a fun way to get your kids involved with healthy eating. Better yet, have them guess the correlated body part on their own! Most herbs and foods have multiple health benefits, so chances are, they’ll be right!

To stretch this just a bit further, I find the doctrine of signatures to be most entertaining when applied to modern processed foods. What effects do they have on our bodies? Think of two round fatty donuts or a greasy pepperoni pizza; what do these resemble?? Think of chili cheese fries, hot fudge sundaes, or a mile-high stack of pancakes drenched in imitation syrup; what are their anatomical equivalents? (Helpful Hint: Round and fluffy foods will make you round and fluffy.)

And what about some completely artificial, unnecessary, manmade concoctions like margarine, cola, and deep-fried anything? Are we surprised by what they do to our bodies? What health effects could possibly arise from solidified oil or some dark-brown liquid sugar? Sometimes common sense just ain’t so common. (Thanks, Madison Avenue!)

Regardless of this doctrine’s scientific validity, the logical implication is that modern food processing is doing away with the ability to identify healthy foods from harmful ones. If a product tastes like a healthy orange, who cares that it’s actually a useless sports drink loaded with high fructose corn syrup and artificial colors? If it tastes like chicken, who cares that it’s actually made of genetically modified soybeans and loaded with sodium? (Helpful Hint #2: Just ‘cause it’s vegetarian doesn’t mean it’s healthy.)

Our human bodies are the product of thousands of generations of evolution and adaptation. Our taste buds, our digestive tracts, our skin, and everything else were molded alongside nature and alongside certain foods and living conditions (hence the doctrine of signatures and our ability to identify patterns and correlations). Modern technology (bless its cold mechanical heart) is now overturning our natural inclinations and predilections, with just a teensy bit of help from those aforementioned MadMen.

Chemical flavors and colors are fooling our senses into liking and craving certain foods, despite the fact that they are 100% unnatural and unhealthy. With chocolate milk, the brown coloring is used to mask discolorations in low-quality milk; with meat, preservatives are used to prevent natural graying; and with tomatoes, ethylene gas turns unripe green tomatoes into bright red ones (which are still 100% unripe and 100% unsatisfying). Combine this with a billion-dollar advertising industry, and we are eating things we wouldn’t otherwise eat. Our evolutionary ability to detect unripe, rotten, or otherwise unhealthy foods has been systematically done away with.

It may be in our best interest (individually and as a society) to return to a place of awareness, to make accurate associations between certain foods and health conditions. Our ancestors were able to identify hemlock as poison, yet we are unable to make the same association with a can of soda. Folks, natural selection is still very much at play. We are nowhere near the point of adaptation to modern food processing and artificial additives, so we must be consciously aware of the effects our foods have on our bodies. Eat what you will, but recognize it for what it is. Otherwise, the only ones who will come out alive from all of this are, dare I say, those mad, mad, mad, MadMen.

That would explain why all the recipes were for tea, and why it was in the house in the first place.  I briefly contemplated testing one of the recipes, but decided that the timeline deserved my attention first, if it indeed was a timeline.

Cue flipping back through the 23 pages to the timeline, which stretched across two pages (24 and 25).  It was titled, nearly as succinctly as the book that housed it – “Tea Timeline.”  Well, then.

The first point on the timeline was 2737 BC.  “Shen Nung, the Second Emperor of China, discovered tea.”  Shen Nung sounds like an interesting person.  Naturally, there’s only one way to test this: google him.

The first search results turn up the following gem: “Shen Nung, the Father of Chinese medicine, (approximately 2695 BCE) noted for tasting 365 herbs and dying from a toxic overdose …”  Oh, lovely.  At least I’d found the person who probably inspired the “I Eat Poisonous Herbs Every So Often” myth I shared in October 2010.  Now we have a pretty good guess as to how he discovered tea: “Oh look!  Here’s an interesting new plant.  Let me eat it and hope I don’t die!  Oh, it tastes pretty good, and I’m not dead.  Let’s call it ‘tea.’”

Time to go back to the book and move past tea’s somewhat shady beginnings.  Another key date range on the timeline was 400-600 AD – “The demand for tea rose steadily.  Farmers began to cultivate tea, rather than harvest leaves from wild trees.”  Time to google “cultivation of tea.”  I don’t get much history this time, although I do get a brief overview of what tea needs to grow.  “Tea requires a moderately hot and humid climate.  Climate influences yield, crop distribution and quality.  Therefore, before cultivating tea in a new area, the suitability of the climate is the first point to be considered.  Tea grows best on well-drained fertile acid soil on high lands.” 

All of which essentially tells me that tea wouldn’t grow particularly well in my backyard.  It’s probably good it was discovered in China then, or the idea probably wouldn’t have taken off.  Of course, tea probably wouldn’t have been discovered in a place where it didn’t grow well.

Moving onward, then.  I skip a couple of the less important dates and make it to 805 AD.  “Buddhist monk, Saicho, brought tea seeds from Japan to China.”  I’m abruptly confused – wasn’t tea discovered in China, by a Chinese emperor?  Naturally, I’m back to the search engine.  A quick search of “where was tea first discovered” confirms it was, indeed, China.  I glare briefly at the timeline, but push onward anyway.

1206-1368 AD.  “Genghis Khan and Kublai Khan conquered Chinese territories and established a Mongolian dynasty.  Tea fell from high status and became an ordinary drink.”  This sounds like a bad thing at first, until you consider the fact that as an “ordinary drink” it would be consumed much more regularly by many more people.  So perhaps tea’s “fall” from high status was a good thing?

Maybe the timeline will tell us.  Onward to the next vital point in tea’s evolution: 1610.  The Dutch traded dried sage for tea and brought the drink to Europe.  And England, which folks often think of when tea comes to mind, apparently didn’t have it until 1657, when “tea was first served in England at Garway’s Coffee House in London.”  This implies that coffee was a part of English culture before tea, and yet no one thinks of England when coffee comes up in the conversation.

Moving past the things I already know, I skip the Revolutionary War period and the East India Company and move into the more modern evolution of tea, beginning in 1904, when “Richard Blechynden created iced tea for the St. Louis World Fair.”  Or a few years later in 1909, when “Thomas Sullivan invented tea bags by mistake.  He sent tea to clients in New York wrapped in silk bags, which they steeped in hot water without opening them.”

The most recent date on the timeline is 2003: “India is the country with the most tea consumption in the world, averaging 651,000 metric tons per year.  The USA is the number one consumer of iced tea, consuming between 80% and 85% of our tea in that manner.”

Well, tea’s lasted a long time.  And as I flip a few pages forward in the book, I find a quote that sums it up pretty well:

“Steam rises from a cup of tea and we are wrapped in history, inhaling ancient times and lands, comfort of ages in our hands.”  – Faith Greenbowl

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Time to sit quietly;
Energy to boil and brew;
Attention to the aroma and flavor.

Time
Energy
Attention
Where in life do we find these gifts?

Time to listen to someone;
Energy in our movement and creativity;
Attention to the marvelous world around us.

Time
Energy
Attention
These are also the elements of our daily choices.

What will we do with our time here?
How will we spend our precious, limited energy?
To whom or what do we give our attention?

We are the brewers of our own TEA,
Every minute choosing how to blend the three.
A pinch of this; a dash of that; mixed together perfectly.
The artistry of creating how we spend each moment,
Is behind the simple word of TEA.

©2012 Joanna DeRungs

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1. Tea Infuser Wand: I have seen this accessory at different stores and websites. It seems more convenient and simpler than a brewing basket. In addition, the wand has gotten good reviews on a number of websites. It has been called a “stylish” way to brew tea. I’d say I’d have to agree! This is a must try for any loose-leaf tea lover!
2. Tea Filter Straw: This practical tool is fabulously simple. It is nice to be able to mix your loose-leaf tea leaves into your hot water and let them brew freely. The filter straw allows you to drink your tea with the leaves freely floating in your cup! The only concern I have with this tool is the brew time of the leaves. You would have to drink your tea really quickly after the brew time or it would become bitter.
3. Tea Thermometer and Timer (2 in 1): After visiting a friend who has a variety of tea accessories and tools, most from Teavana, I realized the value of this tool. So many different teas brew best at different temperatures and times. This tool helps you brew your tea leaves at the proper temperature and for the proper length of time, which enhances their flavor.

I plan on buying and trying each of these tea accessories in attempt to enhance my tea experience, even if I am a simple girl who is completely happy with a tea bag and a regular ole’ mug!

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So, break out the SLRs (single-lens reflex cameras – in case you don’t know) and camera phones to snap some inspirational tea photos.  Then, just post them on our Facebook wall for a chance to win a teapot or a steeping mug with tea.

The photo can be abstract, sentimental, or naturalistic – it doesn’t matter – as long as it’s related to tea.  Let’s see what you got!  And remember to “like” our Facebook page while you are at it to get updates on future contests and promotions. 

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In the past, I’ve celebrated my birthday with lengthy stretches of fun.  Sometimes the festivities would last for weekends on end.  My birthday would become my birth month!  I believe it’s a big deal to have this one day out of 365 that is completely dedicated to your beginning - a day on which you do what you want with whom you want.  If cupcakes and cream puffs are special enough to have a national day dedicated to their greatness, then why can’t I bring a few friends together to celebrate mine?

So last month I invited some of my favorite people to join me in one of my favorite pastimes – cooking and eating.  Thirteen of my dearest friends came together at the home of friend and brilliant interior designer, Cynthia Pastor, for brunch and a class on cooking it. 

Throughout the morning, we mingled in the kitchen, donning “I Love New York” and “The Great Canadian Tea Steep-Off” aprons and joyous smiles as chef and nutritionist, Monique Lawee, guided us through our class preparing her deliciously healthy menu: flatbread with homemade hummus, pesto and goat cheese topped with grilled shrimp, mozzarella balls wrapped in prosciutto on tomato with truffle oil, egg frittata with potato and mushrooms, and a perfectly sweetened dessert of wild spiced plum tart with cream anglaise.

Food always brings people together in a unique and special way.  During my growing-up years, my family bonded most in the kitchen during special occasions as my grandmother, Ella, painstakenly hovered over the stove making her famous traditional southern meals: fried chicken perfectly crisped in a pan of hot popping Crisco, collard greens with ham hocks that fell off of the bone right into your mouth, homemade flaky cornbread and fluffy buttered biscuits (yes, I said AND, not OR), and black-eyed peas.  A balanced healthy meal by Southern standards, but a far cry from today’s.

There was always plenty of uproarious laughter and interesting conversation at “Mommy’s” house as we devoured precisely proportioned plates of food (seven adult children and dozens of grandkids.  Need I say more??).  The meals often ended with us sitting around the table, stuffed like Thanksgiving turkeys, sipping piping hot mint or chamomile tea and winding down from it all.

My birthday brunch was reminiscent of the good times I had with my family.  Loved ones laughing amongst the smells, sounds, and heat of the kitchen, stealing a taste here and there, waiting voraciously for the meal to be served.

For my birthday, we changed a few minor things around.  No Crisco invited to this party!  But what remained was a morning of memories made, a love and appreciation for the people in my life, and a really good cup of tea to end it all.

Google has followed 10 Principles of the User Experience and 10 Philosophical Principles religiously to achieve the massive success it’s had.  So how might Google’s recipe for corporate innovation be applied to the tea industry?

Total Merchandising

While Google claims to be obsessively focused on its core search platform, the proliferation of Google products from phones to wallets to maps is hard to overlook.  This strategy of total merchandising, or cross promotion, serves to create multiple platforms for user acquisition, and reinforce the integrity and dominance of the core product (Disney World is a great example of total merchandising for Disney movies).  Examples of companies that practice total merchandising in the tea industry include:

1. Guayakí that promotes and teaches the yerba mate ritual using the bombilla and gourd to create a total experience for the drinker
2. In Pursuit of Tea that teaches classes on the use of the gaiwan for drinking oolong
3. Zen Tara Tea that sells matcha tea sets to create a full experience of matcha’s magic.

Open Source Systems

Google’s very existence depends on the Internet’s adherence to net neutrality and open systems that allow users, programmers, and even competitors to build, grow, use, and co-opt its operating platforms. “Democracy on the web works,” as they say.

Several companies, including Adagio, Ovation Teas, and Design a Tea, have created online platforms that allow you to create your own customized tea blends.  Other companies offer free tours of their facilities to engage customers in the production of their teas.  Celestial Seasonings has received more than 120 positive reviews on yelp for its tours.

Free and Easy

While I’ve never encountered a tea company that gives away tea and makes all of its money on advertising, there are lessons to be learned from Google’s emphasis on providing free, quality products (search and gmail, to name two) as a central strategy for user acquisition.  Many companies force potential customers to purchase samples, whereas others are highly generous with their sampling programs.  I love David’s Tea’s inclusion of three free samples with every purchase.

Employee Benefit Programs

Many people have probably heard of the free food, incredible facilities, and other general ridiculousness at the GooglePlex in Mountain View, but even Teavana doesn’t have that kind of cash to spend.  However, the commitment to support employees in innovative ways can be implemented at many levels.

Starbucks’ offers medical insurance to all employees who work more than 20 hours / week.  Many companies send their employees to experience tea production at the source.  At Runa, we commit to sending every employee that has been with us for more than one year to Ecuador to spend one week visiting family farms.

You Can Be Serious Without a Suit

Walk into any David’s Tea and you invariably see fun, welcoming, hip, and young faces that are eager to share the tastes and smells of their funky tea blends with you.  Same goes for Harney & Sons’ tearoom in SoHo, though the selection is more refined.

As younger generations, whose daily news comes from people like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, begin to comprise a larger percentage of tea drinkers, the often stuffy, European feel of many tearooms or websites won’t attract this demographic.

Readers, please share your ideas for how the tea industry can apply the innovative principles at Google’s core.

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Guests often come into our store asking for blue, yellow, brown, or green packets for their tea based on what they have heard or read about. If it’s not a packet, it’s been agave, because of clever marketing, product branding, and champions in the natural foods sector. This past year, many people were asking for Truvia (manufactured by Cargill and Coca Cola), believing it to be natural and good for you, because hey, it comes from a leaf, right?

Amidst all the controversy and contradictions, here are the most common issues and recurring themes that I keep hearing about with regard to sweetener consumption (take them with a grain of, er, sugar!):

1. Regular usage of (pick your sweetener) has been shown to increase hunger, resulting in increased food consumption, resulting in weight gain. I keep hearing that diet soda drinkers weigh more than regular soda drinkers. This could be because some sweeteners inhibit leptin levels, the hormone that tells your body it’s full.
2. I’ve read mixed opinions on this, but some claim that artificial sweeteners cause an insulin response because your body thinks it ate something sweet. Of course, makers of aspartame and sucralose deny this. There is controversy over whether or not stevia, even in its natural form, will cause this, as stevia proponents claim it increases insulin sensitivity, which is a good thing.
3. Aspartame, although tested and considered safe by the FDA, has been linked to autoimmune diseases, brain cancer, and a variety of other neurological ailments, but confirmation of this by any federal agency isn’t likely to happen anytime soon. Given the sheer volume of products containing aspartame, this isn’t surprising. Still, if you consume a lot of NutraSweet or another aspartame-containing product, you may want to read further about it, because the reports are hard to ignore.
4. Obvious, but regular consumption of sweeteners promotes our psychological dependence on sweets. This is counterproductive to your goals if you’re trying to clean up your diet and eat and drink more healthfully.
5. The most commonly available agave syrup is a man-made sweetener that has been highly refined through a complicated chemical process. Because of its high-fructose content, it’s especially hard on the liver. I’ve heard nutritionists and other experts claim that it may cause mineral depletion, liver inflammation, insulin resistance, and obesity, because fructose is metabolized in your liver, and then turned into triglycerides (or stored body fat).

I turned up much more on this subject, but I think you get the idea. Nutritionists say that sweeteners should comprise less than 10% of daily calories. There really is no free ticket when it comes to putting sugar or another sweetener in your tea. But if you must and you want to stay as healthy as possible, most experts recommend minimal amounts of the natural stuff: raw honey, organic maple syrup, or even stevia in its natural state, which you can grow and use alongside your tea.

Your safest bet is to sensitize your palate to sweetness by reprogramming it. You could try gradually stepping down your consumption little by little each day, or try going cold turkey (not recommended if you’re a hardcore sweets addict). Every once in awhile, I reboot my palate for a month and avoid as much added sugar and salt to my foods as I can. After that time, things taste really salty and sweet. I also noticed that if I put a drop or two of pure almond extract in a smoothie or tea latte, it tastes a lot sweeter to me, so that might be something to try as well.

I’d love to hear what you prefer to do for adding sweetness to your tea and am open to suggestions!

References

http://www.westonaprice.org/modern-foods/agave-nectar-worse-than-we-thought.
http://www.jci.org/articles/view/37385
http://www.healthyalterego.com/?page_id=936
http://www.westonaprice.org/modern-foods/agave-nectar-worse-than-we-thought
http://www.rpi.edu/dept/chem-eng/Biotech-Environ/IMMOB/poppezz/hfcs.html
http://www.healthyalterego.com/index.php/2010/08/artificial-sweeteners-make-you-fat/
http://www.healthyalterego.com/?page_id=374
http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/comparing-artificial-sweeteners-topic-overview http://www.marksdailyapple.com/artificial-sweeteners/#ixzz1jrMLTQa3

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In my eyes, this particular gown reveals no trace of traditional Japanese fashion, although tea gowns were known to be patterned after the Japanese kimono.  The solemn color, the inconvenient length, and the elegant but hefty material all remind one of the propriety and decorum observed in the stratified British society of yesteryears.  It is difficult to imagine wearing such a piece of clothing at home or at afternoon tea, but “tea gown” is its name.

The museum provides the following additional description:

While some tea gowns appropriated the flowing lines of the Japanese kimono, this example’s intricate tailoring and interior boning are strictly Western in origin.  It is the kimono-like crossover front bodice and luxurious silks that evoke the East.  Contrasting plain and pattern silk textiles create the illusion of a two-piece ensemble.  Historicizing details (such as the cape sleeves) and muted colors popularized by the aesthetic movement were hallmarks of the Liberty & Co. department store, still in existence today.

Emily Post’s book, Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home, contains some fascinating information on tea gowns; in fact, her introduction on tea gowns reads like a 19th Century novel.  (I did not include that particular passage in this post, or this post would end up looking like the Wikipedia page.)   Perhaps I’ll order a copy and read it for leisure.

Almost every weekend, my friends and I traveled to the Tokyo metropolis. We would spend over 10 hours walking around, eating, sightseeing, and shopping. Strategically located in shopping districts, tea-and-cake shops offered a brief respite from walking and standing. Tokyo shopping districts are mostly outdoors and have no seating. During the New Year’s holiday, my sister visited me. For the first three days of the year, departments stores have great sales. I took her to the oldest and most expensive shopping district in Tokyo – Ginza.

Ginza boosts the most expensive real estate in Japan. All the premier department stores, fashion brands, and electronic brands had stores there. Next to the modern brands, you find 300-year-old kimono shops or 150-year-old tempura shops. In addition, Ginza has boutiques, art galleries, kabuki theaters, and museums. I joked that I could not afford to walk down the street. However, my sister is a shopaholic and I wanted to show her the ultimate shopping experience. We spent two hours in the Sony building. I saw one of the first blu-ray TVs! While wandering around the narrow back streets, we found a sake shop. It was located near a large billboard watch ad with Brad Pitt. It was a small, cute shop, but we knew little about sake. Deciding to find food, we left the shop.

We found an affordable Irish pub, where we ordered fish and chips and a pint. I know this is not the typical Japanese dinner. However, British- and Irish-style pubs are popular in Japan. It is a refuge for European expatriates and young Japanese professionals. After dinner, my sister decided she wanted sake after all. For those who have visited Ginza, you know that there are few street signs. We literally had to retrace our steps from an hour before from memory! It took about an hour, but we found the Brad Pitt billboard. Thank goodness there was only one in the area!

We sampled five sakes; my sister brought a few as souvenirs and gifts. I bought one bottle. The hour of backtracking made us hungry again.  We went in search of dessert and a pot of tea.

Near the train station, we found a tea-and-cake shop. It had an ultra modern design – white tables, chairs, and walls. The menu had teas from India, Sri Lanka, China, and Japan. We each ordered a pot of black tea and scones with cream. Over tea, we discussed our adventures that day and my sister’s impressions of Japan. I enjoyed having the space to just relax and rejuvenate before our long journey home. We had to take three trains home, almost a two-hour trip. 

For a year, I spent almost every Saturday night sipping tea, eating cake, and talking about our day and our impressions of Japan.

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Suddenly, an introductory tea tasting and learning experience began to veer off into a research and current affairs project. Like many tea companies, we had participated in events to raise funds and support for Japan relief after the events of March 2011, yet once the media spotlight moved on, finding out how the longer recovery process was going required actively searching for new information, particularly as it related to the tea industry.

The first find was a recent NPR report just before Christmas on how radiation fears in Japan continue to reshape lives. Simple daily routines are no longer so simple: “There’s a never-ending series of warnings about radioactive cesium in beef, tea, rice, even baby formula. There simply aren’t enough radiation-detection machines to check every cargo of fish, every rice harvest, the contents of every school lunch.” It’s a natural desire after unfortunate circumstances to want things to return to normal, but what few can appreciate, outside those who continue to live through the aftermath, is that “normal” in the sense of turning the clock back to March 10, 2011 (the day before the tsunami) is no longer possible.

If consumers in Japan have this level of concern for the safety of food within their own country, what is reasonable to expect of tea consumers outside of Japan and what can be done to change perceptions if tea harvests in parts of Japan are safe and will continue to be so in 2012? We posed the question to the World Tea News Group on LinkedIn and got an informative reply from Dan Bolton, who reasonably states that “…the re-emergence of the fine teas of Japan will depend on marketing with a science-based certificate at origin in the supply chain attesting to the safety of the leaves.”

What does science currently have to say about which agricultural regions across Japan have been exposed to radiation fallout from the Fukushima reactors? A July 2011 study by six American and Japanese researchers provides some answers about the levels of Cesium 137 that may have contaminated Japanese soils. How will this kind of information be communicated to the consumer outside of Japan? How successful will the power of reason be at overcoming lingering emotional fears about food safety and of mistrust in the Japanese government inside the country? Is the passage of time the only real answer to this situation? Does “normal” return only when we have forgotten the problem?

All of the information combined presented us with a very nuanced appreciation of the challenges the people of Japan are still going through today. With regard to tea, there seems to be positive news for tea farmers in southern Japan heading into 2012. If handled the right way domestically and internationally by the tea industry, at least portions of the tea industry in Japan could make an amazing comeback this year. The question remained how to present this information to our tasting group in a relatively short amount of time in a way that allows each person to decide for him- or herself how to approach teas from Japan. As it turned out, a picture really is worth a thousands words. By merging one of the Cesium 137 maps from the research study with a map of Japan, we were able to provide a graphic that provided a visual reference of the relative safety of the tea-growing regions of southern Japan. For those who enjoy Japanese teas, all hope is not lost.

“… the greatness of little things …” – could anything describe more accurately the humility of the Japanese tea ceremony? There are numerous ways to interpret the Japanese tea ceremony, but what about the people who practice, teach, and perform the ceremony as a way of life – as a way of preserving an ancient form of Japanese art and tradition? They are still alive and well all over the world and some are definitely not going to let this way of life die. Such is my friend, Ako Yoshino, from Shizuoka, Japan.

At a time in Japan when the young people are fighting the old ways and favoring new, modern, and western ways, and when green tea consumption is down in Japan and tea farms are being abandoned, there are some who believe in the wisdom and greatness of the old ways.

Ako and her husband, Hakuun Yoshino, are two rare individuals whose mission to preserve their heritage brought them together and joined them as husband and wife. As masters at The Japanese Tea Ceremony Academy, they each teach others the skills and the “greatness of the little things” in Japanese life through the art of the tea ceremony.

Both were clad in traditional Japanese attire every day that I was with them – something you really do not see any more on the streets of Japan. It is all part of their message to maintain what they value, hold sacred, and share with each other, and now the rest of the world, via their online correspondence Japanese Tea Ceremony instructional series.

Hakuun is a master potter and makes all his own pottery for the Japanese tea ceremony, also selling it to others from all over the world so they may have a genuine piece of hand-crafted Japanese art. In addition, he teaches the art of flower arranging for the tea ceremony. I was blessed to have him teach me both the tea ceremony and flower arranging – nothing like hands-on experience while in Japan! 

Ako planned my entire itinerary for each of my visits to the Shizuoka Prefecture; she accompanied me on all my adventures and served as my interpreter as well. How blessed was I? I certainly could not overlook the greatness of all the little things she did for me during my trip.

Mrs. Yoshino has been to America; she teaches English at the University of Shizuoka and has translated several Japanese books about tea into English. You can find her on Facebook, as well.

I am forever grateful for the days and experiences Ako and I shared while in her country. It was like we were sisters – tea sisters – and we laughed like little girls. There was so much joy in her laughter that I truly felt the contentment of her heart, as well as its greatness.

Brown rice tea is reminiscent of preparing popcorn, as the rice makes popping sounds when it is prepared; however, it does not taste like popcorn.  The flavor is a slightly grassy variation of green tea with a hint of a nutty, roasted rice flavor.  It can be served cold or hot.

The color of this tea is yellow and can be altered depending on the amount of time you choose to brew it.  While some people prefer to steep it from three to five minutes, other people prefer a more subtle taste and brew it for just one minute.  To prepare the brown rice, toast a thin layer of it in a small-to-medium-sized pan over a low heat.  Don’t turn off the burner until the rice is brown.  This particular step should not take longer than five minutes.  ???Then allow the rice to cool.

Once the rice has cooled, store it in a container until you are ready to make the rest of the tea.  Place a tablespoon of whole green tea leaves in a sieve along with a tablespoon of toasted brown rice.  You can adjust the amount, depending on how strong you would like the tea to be.  Heat water in a pot until it boils, placing the sieve into the pot when it is ready.  Steep from one to five minutes.  Then you are ready!

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Thus was born the experimental Damsang tea estate on 25 acres of land, complete with a tea factory, residential quarters, and a church.  The compressed ball tea manufactured there was to be supplied to the Tibetan tea markets, from which mules brought back wool for this side of the Himalayas. Later the Samabeong tea estate was opened up at Lava, which grew to be a bigger garden.

During the Gorkhaland agitation of 1988, the Damsang tea garden was ravaged, tea was uprooted, and the factory and church were burnt. Now only a building stands, which Fr. Peter Ranger, Fr. Leslie Ranger’s grandson, converted into a school. Nearby, Jimmy Ranger, another grandson of Fr. Leslie Ranger, lived in a small cottage and narrated the stories of the unwritten history of the family estate. His father and other five brothers – Richard, Charlie, Samuel, Fredrick, and Peter Ranger – ran the estate and later sold off the vacant lands.

Fr. Leslie Ranger died in 1933 and “Superintendent of Bengal Tea Company” is inscribed on his tomb, but many other parts of the story have been spun together by word of mouth.

Dan Robertson and I visited this area on December 21, 2011, after the Indian Tea Forum, which dovetailed nicely with the earlier information I had collected from Barbara Dufrene, who introduced me to the owners of the Ya’an Tea Company on the other side of the Himalayas.  They, in turn, presented me with a book published by their company in English, which recounts the details of tea being planted on the other end of Ancient Tea Horse trail.

Through T Ching, I would like to open a dialogue to gather more and more details and history of the establishment of the tea industry on the road from Pedong to Xishuangbanna from those of you who are interested in the history and geography of tea. 

It didn’t take long for the news of the Boston uprising to reach the bustling inland port of Edenton, North Carolina. Citizens there were already up in arms in response to the Tea Act of 1773, which levied a three pence tax on each pound of tea. In an act of solidarity with their Massachusetts brothers and sisters, Edenton residents sent a shipload of corn, pork, and other provisions to the hungry families of Salem and Boston the following summer.

One local resident was determined to make an equally strong statement to King George. On October 25, 1774, Penelope Barker organized a gathering of fifty women who formed an alliance wholeheartedly supporting the American cause against “taxation without representation.” The custom of tea drinking was deeply instilled in the lives of the colonists. Every home had a proper tea service and social occasions were often defined by the amount of tea provided. Swearing off tea was no small matter.

Barker asked the assembled women to sign a letter she had addressed to King George stating “she would not drink any more tea, nor wear any more British cloth. Furthermore, many ladies of this province have determined to give memorable proof of their patriotism, and have accordingly entered into the following honorable and spirited association. I send it to you to show your fair countrywomen, how zealously and faithfully, American ladies follow the laudable example of their husbands, and what opposition your matchless Ministers may expect to receive from a people thus firmly united against them.”

These Edenton wives and mothers realized that, by signing this petition, they were committing an act of treason against British rule. Whereas the rebellious men in Boston hid their identities by dressing as Native-Americans, these bold women proudly identified themselves with their signatures. This brazen act of civil disobedience was one of the earliest organized women’s political actions in United States history.

The petition shocked the British as well as loyal colonists. London publications labeled the Edenton women uncontrollable, and caricatures of the scandalous ladies and their “tea party” filled the magazines. 

But there was one major complication brought about by Penelope Barker’s pronouncement—her husband John was stationed in London as North Carolina’s appointed agent to Parliament. When word came that his treacherous wife had organized a rebellion at home, he was forced to flee to France and did not return to his North Carolina home until 1778.

Twenty-first-century Edenton continues to pay proud homage to their rebellious heritage. The home of Penelope and John Barker has been restored as an event venue and gift shop open to visitors daily. An enlarged copy of a famous London caricature of Penelope and her Edenton Tea Party hangs in the entry hall. The Barker’s portraits hang over the double mantels in the parlor, and a long two-story porch is filled with rockers where guests feel free to linger and enjoy the panoramic views of Edenton Bay.

It’s a short stroll from the Barker House to the 1767 Chowan County Courthouse, the most intact Colonial courthouse in Americas. I had the privilege of speaking in that historic space in March 2011. Joseph Hewes, a local merchant and signer of the Declaration of Independence, helped raise money for its construction. Hewes served as the chairman of the Congressional Naval Committee and appointed the naval hero John Paul Jones to captain the Navy’s first commissioned ship.

Like Colonial Williamsburg, this is a town that yearns to be discovered by walkers who peer longingly into block after block of manicured gardens, or pause to admire summer porches and fine architectural details.

Edenton’s historical section is a cornucopia of colonial and antebellum homes, churches, and restored public buildings that give you a peek into the lives of our forefathers. It’s the kind of town that, like a good cup of tea, makes you linger and sip life slowly. And had it not been for a headstrong Penelope Barker, the Union Jack might still be flying in front of the Chowan County Courthouse.

Images courtesy of Bruce Richardson’s The Tea Maestro Blog.

Here is what we have noticed in 2011:

1. An upsurge in oolong sales and interest in the oolong category.  Where this is coming from, I’m not quite sure.  I believe it may be that we are beginning to attract a customer who is not new to tea, who has found us due to our online presence, and who is looking for real quality teas.  At any rate, we have increased our oolong offerings because of it.
2. There is still almost no interest in yerba mate.  We began with four and have pulled back to two.  When we do get requests, it is almost always from large city tea customers, usually in their 20′s and male.
3. Ditto matcha, but we are beginning to see nibblings around the edges, and some of that from those wanting matcha for making lattes at home or using it in cooking or for skin care, some of this resulting from reading an article or hearing a TV doctor talk about it.  In fact, whenever Dr. Oz or Oprah mention tea or herbals, we feel a positive sales effect.  Keep it up, you two!
4. Customers are beginning to do their own at-home research into the benefits of teas and herbals, as we suggest they do.  We have customers now who have a good store of information about the subject, and that is mostly from online study.  We see customers wanting not only to enjoy drinking tea but understand what tea is, where it comes from, and what it can do to enhance their well-being.  Ask our regular customers what plant tea comes from, the difference between tea and herbals, or where rooibos is grown, and they are able to give you quick and correct answers!
5. The trend from coffee to tea continues, mostly because of problems with caffeine side effects.  We offer both tea and very good Italian coffee and espresso, so we have something to measure by.  We also see many hard-core coffee drinkers wanting to, at the very least, incorporate tea as part of their beverage portfolio, having coffee or espresso in the morning, tea in the afternoon, and an herbal in the evening.
6. The trend to herbals continues.  Even the amount of caffeine in tea affects some people enough to want to convert to no-caffeine beverages and / or to use herbals as a healthy alternative to sodas.  We also see parents requesting herbals like fruity rooibos blends to wean their soda-drinking kids onto something healthier that also tastes good to them.
7. A trend toward sweeteners like agave and local honey and more requests for almond and coconut milk.
8. Our Facebook stats show that a full one-third of our readers there are male, and the largest group is between 31-44.  The second largest group is between 25-31, so the demographic is young, and males are seriously getting into tea.  In fact, in our store, I see more interest in really delving into the study of tea among young males more than any other group.
9. The trend away from existing or large chains by tea drinkers.  Tea customers seem to reject marketing by big chains to present themselves as “healthy lifestyle leaders” or tea specialists.  They appear to look for independent or truly tea-centric retailers whose owners and employees have done their homework by knowing about their tea and herbals, by taking the time to cup and select the best-tasting teas, and by being willing and able to mentor customers in the subject. 
10. The interest in accessories that actually work and bring about a good result, as opposed to cutesy things.  Our customers want brewing equipment that is easy to use, easy to clean, high quality, and with high functionality.  And they are willing to pay for them.

All in all, the future looks very bright for specialty tea from our vantage point, but, because of the growing competition, only for those who know their subject, have amazing offerings, have something proprietary that makes them stand out from the crowd, and are in sync with customer demographics and trends.

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My education inadvertently opened my eyes to the reality that many natural remedies are pure bunk and quackery, without a single shred of high-quality clinical evidence to back them up. I still respect the basic fundamentals of naturopathy (that the body heals itself, that prevention is more important than cure, that the whole is more than the sum of its parts, and so), but I became disillusioned and disappointed when I learned that much of the success in the world of alternative health is due strictly to time, coincidence, and, of course, the placebo effect.

I was also put off by the prevalent negativity and downright animosity in the natural medicine community. Clinical phytotherapist David Hoffman addressed this issue perfectly, which I venture to say applies to the alternative field at large: “It is time for herbalists to lose what might be described as our ghetto mentality, a sense of inferiority developed through years of cultural disdain for – and active suppression of – our therapeutic modality. However, this will also entail abandoning our negative, knee-jerk reaction to the ‘system,’ which often takes the reprehensible form of an arrogant condemnation of medical doctors and a delusion of standing on higher moral ground.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Yet even though I’ve strayed from my naturo path (pun intended), I still have respect for the efficacy and potency of teas, spices, and other herbal remedies. Unlike homeopathy, energy medicine, and various other impotent natural remedies, therapeutic herbs actually possess inherent medicinal properties. They are so potent that many are illegal due to their possibly fatal effects. Additionally, 95% of modern painkillers are based on plant-derived opium and aspirin (from poppies and white willow bark), and, in fact, even the word “drug” itself is derived from the Swedish word druug, which means “dried plant.” (As a clarification, medicinal herbs consist of plants, minerals, and even some animal ingredients.)

But what’s interesting about herbs is that their medicinal properties don’t always act in a straightforward one-pill-for-one-ill manner that we see in western medicine. For example, conventional antidepressant drugs act by blocking depression-inducing neurotransmitter signals in the brain, whereas an antidepressant herb works with entire organ systems to bring the whole body back into balance. In the words of medical herbalist Allan Tillotson, “It may even be that the antidepressant effect [of St. Johns Wort] comes from a detoxification effect on the liver.” It’s a whole different ball game.

On the other side of the coin are conventional doctors and medical researchers with firmly antagonistic opinions towards medicinal herbs, referring to them as useless magical therapies. It’s true that some alternative modalities are airy-fairy, but I don’t think a few bad apples should give a bad reputation to the whole orchard. I venture to say that our best bet lies somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.

In their book, Trick or Treatment, Dr. Edzard Ernst and Simon Singh proclaim, “Alternative herbal therapists continue to believe that Mother Nature knows best and that the whole plant provides the best medicine, whereas scientists believe that nature is just a starting point and that the most potent medicines are derived from identifying (and sometimes manipulating) key components of a plant.” I believe it comes down to finding the right balance between the evolutionary wisdom of the natural world, and the technological benefits of scientific progress.

Clinical trials are continuously being performed, but what appears to be true so far is that the world of herbs contains effective remedies for a wide range of ailments. White Willow appears effective for pain, St. John’s Wort for mild-to-moderate depression, and even the modest green leaf of our beloved Camellia sinensis is potent enough to destroy cancer cells in a laboratory setting. In the words of phytochemist and former USDA botanical director Jim Duke, “Eventually science will find a health benefit and value for virtually every component we find in herbs.”

Until then, it’s pretty accurate to say that herbal remedies are, for the most part, safe and fairly effective, as long as they come from a trustworthy brand or a reputable herbal practitioner. (Some imported herbs are artificially adulterated with pharmaceuticals to make them more potent, so it’s important to know the source and be aware of the risk.)

Herbs typically work slower than their conventional drug counterparts, but are often far less expensive and have far fewer side effects, as a result of thousands of years of worldwide use and testing. Humans have evolved alongside these natural plants and minerals for many millennia, so it should come as no surprise that our bodies have adapted to benefit from their use. As with any health therapies, whether conventional or ancient, it is your individual responsibility to be educated of the risks and benefits before trusting or investing in any particular remedy.

Although my natural medicine education unraveled my faith in various alternative modalities, I still fully support traditional herbs. I have a lovely collection of medicinal and culinary herbs, I am learning to grow my own, and I still savor my daily cup of bright green tea. Some herbs can heal the body, some can heal emotions, and then some are there just as a way to ever-so-subtly soothe the soul. And that, more than anything, can be the most powerful medicine of all. I bid good health to you all.

First, Lucky Me: my new over-achieving UCLA Gastroenterologist likes her patients CLEEEEEAN.  And my not so private when it counts medical recs ratted me out, revealing that my last prep ended the morning of in a UCLA restroom with an al fresco Fleet Enema purchased from a CVS drive-thru.  So my way-too-young-to-know-what-she-was-asking Gastrointerrogator cheerfully informed me that I was now a TWO Jug Patient.  TWO. I almost cried.  TWO of those salt-infused Jugs O’Kool-Aid from Hell?!  Who could endure this assignment?  Certainly I must be the first.  I’ll just do quick google…  Nope.  Oh, great, ANOTHER Facebook group to join.

Even my local pharmacist was impressed:
“TWO? – I’ll have to check my stock to see if I can fill this,” he said.  Later, as the jugs groaned down the checkout conveyor belt eclipsing the pathetically small cache of diversionary groceries I had purchased in an attempt at retail camouflage, the boxboy informed me that I had nothing to worry about.  His dad had just done The Procedure and the propofol they gave him knocked him right out.  Propofol?  Wasn’t that a designer label celebrity drug?  Isn’t that how Kim Kardashian made it through her vows?  Where had we all heard that drug name before…  OH.  RIGHT.  The boxboy broke eye contact.

So, for seven hours that night (7:00 PM to 3:00 AM), I so did not want to be me.  We live in a two-story house and as strange as it may sound, the TV, toilet, and fridge are all in different rooms.  And – once again I know I’m not being trendy here – our fridge is also not on the same floor as our bathrooms.  Get the picture?  TV and fridge O’Liquid Nightmare upstairs.  My Ultimate Destiny downstairs.  So, six hours of upanddownupanddownupanddown every 10 minutes – with a one-hour breather in the middle to contemplate suicide – like Sisyphus trudging the Bermuda Triangle of Stairmaster Hell.  Drink the stuff, watch TV, run downstairs, climb back up.  Drink the stuff, watch TV, run downstairs, climb back up.

Halfway through my legs went all rubbery (you do the muscle math) and I gained a new artistic appreciation for the inherent subtleties of “all clear or with a little yellow” – and I don’t mean the sunrise that was hot on my heels.  When, I wondered, does brownish-yellow become yellowish-brown?  And WTF do color-blind patients do?  Or even blind-blind ones?  Surely there is not an app for THAT.  In Gracious Summary, let me just say that I will NEVER be able to watch the movies “Due Date” or “Love and Other Drugs” again – not that this is any great Cinematic Hardship – and colonoscopy prep may be the only way to watch a Judd Apatow movie and NOT be grossed out.  Also, as much as I’d like to imagine convalescing in Jake Gyllenhaal’s arms, I’m not sure I can stand Ann Hathaway’s toothy smile ever again without flashing on “Lemon Flavor Packet.”  And not even REMOTELY in a Good Way.

OK, so having survived The Night-Before Stair Marathon, I arrived at the Procedure Unit completely cleaned out – oh, look: there’s that missing set of car keys! - but with a Splitting Headache and Freezing to Death.  Just like my last awful colonoscopy.  DAMN!  I didn’t expect this since I had tried really hard on The Last Day of Liquid Foods to Jello-load as well as guzzle apple juice and broth to avoid The Dreaded Hunger Headache.  I had also scheduled The Procedure at 9:00 AM to minimize my low blood sugar window.  Oh well.  Of course, I was The ONLY One Suffering pre-Procedure: all around me I heard Happy Campers check in whilst I huddled in nauseous pain with a pillow over my head:
“Wow, I can’t believe I finished the jug – took me two whole hours!”
“I must have lost 5 lbs. yesterday!”
“I’m celebrating with lunch – at Disneyland!”

After check-in, Nurse #1- who was Russian – brought me heat packs and blankets and made sure I was Worthy:
“Are you ‘clean’?” she asked.
“YES – and I can’t believe I drank TWO jugs of that stuff and lived.”
“Oh, did you really keep it all down?”
“What?!  Of course! – There were other options?!”
“Oh yes, many patients throw it all up and then just quit.”

I then attempted to cope with the pain by chatting her up.  Did she know any of MY Russian Friends?  I helpfully reeled off five names.  Nope – not a one. Over the years, Russia had sent me Khilkeviches, Pinskys, and Petrovas galore who, despite the cozy confines of its borders, were all Completely Unknown to the Medical Profession.  Do these people never say “hi” as they pass the Kremlin?  Where did that word “comrade” come from, anyway?  The next nurse, who inserted my IV, was also Russian.  Svetlana the II proclaimed my problem was caffeine withdrawal.  But the Anesthesiologist (ALSO Spookily Russian) chalked it up to low sodium and said that Next Time – AS EFFING IF – I should load up on broth the day before.  Jello was a waste of time, except for vodka shots.  We then had a lively discussion about Hangover Remedies, during which she explained the Chemical Healing Properties of Tomato Juice and Vodka.  As she left, she PROMISED that when I woke up the pain would be gone – yes, PROMISED.  Remember in High School English when we learned about foreshadowing – well, Pay Attention, because this might be on the midterm…

So, they Drugged Me Up with propofol – HOW did the boxboy know? – and I was Finally Free Free Free of pain – and consciousness – only to wake up two hours later (thank you, foreshadowing) WITH AN EFFING HEADACHE.

Various Very Nice Natashas tried to help me.  There was nothing with caffeine, so they brought me apple juice – headache at DEFCON 5 and rising – and my husband, Bill, went downstairs to the gift shop for Pepsi.  The doctor said that to avoid bleeding I could only have Tylenol, so I took two.  After I immediately threw it all up, she relented, and said I could take My Beloved Excedrin – Patron Saint To Headache Sufferers – but I had to wait four LOOOOONG hours for the Tylenol to wear off.  WEAR off?  I could BRUSH it off my gown if she wanted.

As I got worse and worse, everyone in Recovery was baffled.  Nobody else was sick.  All around me Happy Happy HAPPY Campers were coming back and planning on Big Breakfasts and getting Good News: No Polyps For You!  See you in 10 years!  You Look SO Skinny!

My Industrious Doctor Won The Lottery with me: two polyps and “…an interesting bumpy area…” was her report.  So interesting I threw up again.  By now I was on my knees in the bed with my head buried in the pillow in an effort to shut out the pain.  The nurses closed my curtains since I’m sure the sight of me was cheering everyone up too much.  After awhile, I decided that my Only Hope was to pull a Dorothy since There’s No Place Like an Excedrin.

So, the Maids from Minsk made me an ice-pack for my head and sent me off in a wheelchair with their Hugest Barf Bucket of Excellence, which I christened as we got off the elevator, giving a Spectacular Performance underneath the “UCLA Hospital: Best in the West” sign, wearing my Gutty Little Bruin – gastronomical pun #2 if you’re keeping score – Rose Bowl sweatshirt that is so old the cuffs are frayed from frenzied clutches during one too many shanked Field Goals.  This was right next to the Main Information Desk, which (Fun Fact) is secretly very well-stocked with paper towels.  Are you taking notes, USC?

Anyway, as you can tell by my advanced usage of words and such, I DID survive.  At home, waiting for the God Damned Doctor Ordered four hours to expire, I actually hit a 13 on the Pain Scale (13 is the new 11).  I told Bill that the only thing more painful than the knife blade sticking in my right temple, was Childbirth.  Even my emergency appendectomy at age 16 had been more enjoyable – although it DID cause major teen angst when it ruined my bikini tan.  But Today was Not A Good Day To Die: my publisher friend, Steve, had just sent me hot-off-the-press Review Copies of our first publication (The RoadMap®: Baby’s First Year) and I hadn’t had a chance to memorize my ISBN number yet – ISBN 978-0-9843732-9-1.  Shocked and amazed?  Me too!

In the END (*ding* – #3!) I was saved by two Excedrin, three cans of Ginger Ale, 44 Saltine Crackers, and a HUGE mug of sweet sweet sweet hot tea – the kind my mom used to bring me when I stayed home sick from school.  I went from a 13 to a 1 in 20 minutes…

Moral of the Story:  When it comes to your over-all well-being, Gastroenterologists tend to have Tunnel Vision (Get it?  Get it?  #4 and blessedly the LAST), AND: Never underestimate the power of a soothing cup of Hot Tea served with LOTS of sugar, BUSHELS of Saltines, and an Excedrin chaser!

Epilog (and that is so NOT Pun #5 – don’t even TRY):  Sometimes in a True Story everything does not come out alright (OK, I lied: THIS is Officially #5 and truly truly truly the last).  Although I am cancer-free, I am “at risk” and, acco
rding to my doctor, was still NOT squeaky clean even after channeling half of Hoover Dam.  So I have to do this all over again in five years – SOONER if I have any Special Symptoms – AS IF I would tell HER.  But she promised (there’s that word again) me I would never again have to drink that icky salty stuff because of the way it affected me.  Apparently there are Secret Other More Humane Methods – one nurse had hinted at horse-sized pills, but in my delirium I assumed she was describing some Russian delicacy.  Also, next time if I awoke suffering, my doctor said she would send me across the street to the Ronald Reagan Emergency Room where they are better equipped to stabilize patients.  (Here’s where you DO NOT want to flash on that word propofol again.)

But, BEST OF ALL, since she had ruled out all physical causes for my affliction, she gave me a referral to a HypnoTherapist and explained that sometimes your gut needs some psychological help to Just Let Things Go…  OK, OK, you’re right: that’s Number Six!  But now I’m REALLY done.  PROMISE.