Wednesday February 25, 2009 | 15 comments
Even more than Barack Obama and all the obsolete analog TVs in America, I am so ready for CHANGE.
Last year I had three major losses: my career, my kid, and Pluto. When my job was off-shored to Singapore and Cincinnati (did Ohio fall into the Atlantic?), everyone told me that early retirement was a gift. When my only child left for college five million miles away, they all openly envied my freedom. But nobody tried to soften the blow of losing Pluto, since we all know that is just sad.
So, if black is the new white and pomegranate the new cranberry, I declare 2008 a do-over year: 2009 is the new 2008!
Last year, I jolted awake every morning with two cups of coffee and this year I am switching to calmifying tea. Black tea, since I still don’t have the granola balls for that wussy herbal shit, and I plan to drink a whole pot each day – just to make up for lost time. I’ll miss that caffeine high that hit me in the shower every morning and left me sopping wet with answers to world peace, global warming, and how to raise octuplets. What I won’t miss is the acidic stomach ache it often gave me. Besides, Al Gore is snubbing me on Facebook and I never could read my notes on the steamy shower door.
But besides my manic coffee disorder, 2008 had so many things wrong with it, I almost need a list to keep track. In the beginning, I sat at home dutifully enjoying my retirement. Stripped of my hi-tech ID badge, packing nobody’s lunch for school, and reminiscing over Pluto – I made a list of all the craft projects I had happily neglected over the years and then proceeded to beat myself up every day for not working on any of them. Since I’m retired, it’s my job to have a good time and here I was ignoring that felted soap cover kit – all my bars as shamefully naked as the day they were milled.
Once I had gone pathological over my craft neglect, I moved on to cooking. Over the years I had stashed away an enormous number of clipped recipes. But then I did the food math: I would have to live long enough to see a mortgage meltdown on Mars – AND snack between meals – just to get through the desserts. But I keep the pile around since it helps me understand the size of Obama’s stimulus package.
Organizing was my next albatross. In my closet lurked the stack of size 8 corduroys I ordered from Lands’ End when they went on sale and I was down to a size 10 with hopes of starving myself into slimmer single digits. Who knew they made corduroy in so many colors? Hitching up my black one-size-fits-all-fatties stretch pants, I shoved the door closed on that project. Guess the joy of retirement had resulted in some stress eating – and not in the good way.
So now I was on a mission to exercise. All day, all week. Why not? What else did I have to do in between visits to SaveSaturn.com? Weights! On Oprah I learned you can use soup cans. I love soup. Or walking, since now I wanted clam chowder for lunch and this would wipe out my gym. Or, for variety, since I could already imagine trudging the same route every day in my Pluto For Planethood T-shirt, I could ride my exercise bike while watching The Food Channel! But first, I had to check online to see if Lands’ End had any size 6 pants left on sale.
Now that I was channeling Richard Simmons, it was time to switch gears and cultivate my brain. Finally I had time to read all those literary classics and information-packed books I had stacked around everywhere. Even in the bathroom. I wondered how many people I had unintentionally intimidated with my unread copy of The Mysteries of Harry Potter Revealed next to the toilet. That reminded me: I needed to dust.
Cleaning! That’s therapeutic, isn’t it? Cindy, our psycho kitty, could keep me busy well into my golden years. She is an “outside the box” free thinker who lives to surprise me – who knew a cat could pee in a sink? The first time she did that trick, I suited up, morphing into a one-woman ninja hazmat team, and finished with a flamethrower shot down the drain. Nowadays I’m so jaded that I have it down to a quick squirt of Simple Green and a blast of hot water.
You think I am making this up. I could post pictures, but my mother didn’t raise me that way.
My mother. My parents. Oh my god. There was a full-time retirement project. But sometimes they “get on the computer” and could somehow stumble across this blog, so never mind.
So, as I attempt to exorcise 2008, besides replacing my early morning java jolt with chakra-straightening pots of tea, I’ve also escaped my project-infested House o’ Eternal Guilt by joining TWO, count ’em, TWO knitting groups. I don’t even know how to cast-on, but that’s OK; at snack time, I scored three new recipes for flan. I also found the world’s greatest therapist (a fellow star-groupie, based on her astronomical rates) and she helped me chuck my torturous “to do” list. Except I think the cat ate it out of the trash. Oh well. I just hope it’s unreadable the next time I come across it.
Pluto may be gone, but if we all text-message Obama, maybe we can still save Uranus.
Jane – What a way to wake up. Who knew about Pluto? Obama’s speech last night certainly helped paint the picture about our changing future. Can I make a suggestion for you……..? PLEASE go to your nearest tea shop and try some delicious green tea. It’s far from wussy and I think you’ll enjoy the taste and ritual. As far as retirement goes, sounds like you’ve got lots of skills deserving of mentoring. If every “retired” person made a commitment to a kid or two, I think our country would be a whole lot better. No need to waste your talents. Looks like writing could be your next career path.
Michelle – thanks for your encouraging words and not giving up on me even though I brazenly eschew exotic teas. Besides inflicting my words upon tching readers, I plan to find an unsuspecting target on VolunteerMatch.org to enjoy my questionable talents. I bet I could write a FUN newsletter for some suffering bunch o’ folks…
2008 wasn’t great. Let’s hope 2009’s fine. (: I say you go back to morning coffee and put Bailey’s in it.
Jane, Correction– Pluto is not gone. Just laid off…
Jane, your blog was just the morning jolt I needed to get my day rolling (after my ginger tea, of course). I haven’t had caffeinated beverages in the morning since my doc told me not to at age 23, and I think you’ll find that you don’t need coffee to have a great day and a stimulated mind. But then, you have the stimulated mind already. Your blog is hilarious.
Another great post. Yep, 2008 royally stunk on our end too (other than Bret FINALLY graduating, of course). Here’s looking at 2009!
Jane – No need to give up your caffeine. You can have your caffeine and drink it to. There is a growing body of research that shows that black tea, primarily I think because of the increased levels of l-theanine, has an anti-stress/relaxation effect while still allowing for an increase in alertness.
Jane- Try Tulsi Tea- Chai Masala flavor it isOrganic Stress Relieving and Energizing.
It’s not if last year was bad but was anything learned from the last years mistakes and bumps in the road?! Keep writing.
Marney
The demotion of Pluto was actually done in 2006, not 2008, and is still a matter of contention, as it was done by only four percent of the International Astronomical Union, most of whom are not planetary scientists and was immediately opposed by hundreds of professional astronomers led by Dr. Alan Stern, Principal Investigator of NASA’s New Horizons mission to Pluto. Many scientists and lay people are working to get this demotion overturned, and you can too!
T Ching goes profane! Can’t wait to find a way to use caca in one of my posts. I, too, have moved from coffee to tea in the last two years. If you leave an inch of coffee in a cup or mug, it turns to grey green stinky popo in just two days. An inch of tea evaporates, but never molds. Yet another advantage. Thanks for the post . . . I propose that tea drinkers form a lobby to return Pluto to the solar system.
Jane—I don’t know if this was your intention, but this blog entry was hilariously poignant & entertaining. I really love your writing style, and your eccentric personality totally resonates with me. A lot of the other comments are suggestions for other types of tea you might enjoy, so I wonder if anyone else picked up on just how quirky & entertaining you are. Your daughter may be super far away from you, but nevertheless she’s very lucky to have a totally cool mom like you.
I was really struck that you declared a do-over for 2008, because just last night I was telling a friend how–for the first time in my life–I wanted a do-over. Life can hit hard whether you’re 24, 54, 94…but it’s always important to remember that *this is a new day* and your loved ones aren’t THAT far away. You seem like you have a very unique, likeable personality, and starting your own newsletter or public blog would likely be a great outlet for your interesting observations. You’ve got a fan in me, so I’d subscribe =)
Hi Jane! I love your play of words.. it seems so natural that sometimes I think I’m just imagining it! I agree – 2008 definitely needs a do-over.. a makeover in fact! If you ever want a tea drink that tries to mask itself as a latte – make a cup of chai – the indian way – not the starbucks way.
Hilarious, absolutely hilarious……and, poignant. Wonderful writing!
Adela – and ALL of you who have sent kind words despite my fecal-laced vent-o-rama – I am so touched by your generous feedback that I actually forgot about Pluto for a moment. While it is true that my goal was not to elicit tea remedies, I have discovered that tea drinkers are a very comforting, supportive group and just cannot help themselves when it comes to sharing leafy tonics. I imagine that even CPR, administered at their hands, would likely conclude with a restorative, warm cuppa.
But, Adela, more so than ANY beverage could- brewed, steeped or fermented – you have made my day! Although I made light of it, last year really sucked. Sharing it with others and laughing about it whenever I can has helped me get through. (That, and the afore-mentioned kick-ass therapist who must secretly own The Manual On Life.)
And, of all the crafts and hobbies that I had to defer while being a Good Mom and a Real Person at a Real Job, writing funny shit (sorry, Regena) to make my friends laugh has always been able to elbow in. It almost got me fired once (well, maybe twice); but THAT is another blog – assuming I can figure out how tea played a part…
;-)
Anyway, at the risk of going all Sally Fields on you (“You like me, you REALLY like me”), I want to say thank you for reading, thank you for all the tea suggestions (I actually bought some Good Earth Lemon Grass Green Tea yesterday – I HAD TO: it was Buy One, Get One Free), and THANK YOU T Ching for letting me haunt your pages with my tortuous tea-infused escapades.
Jane – Just a note to remind you that “that wussy herbal shit” can be very powerful medicine. With all of the side effects and environmental polluting that comes from pharmaceuticals, I’ll take the herbs for most of what ails and soothes me thank you. And, don’t forget, tea is the forgotten herb – black, green or otherwise, it too can be powerful medicine.