09.19.08
the presence of tea - the gift of forgiveness
posted by Sandy M. Bushberg | 4 comments
I have been struggling a bit lately with how often people choose to be offended, hurt or resentful in their lives. We are a society caught up in our egos and the perceptions that feed them. We react to others based on the stories we create about what we think the other person meant by what they said or did. We have become more and more distrustful of the intentions of others, mainly because we believe that the stories we create for ourselves are reality. Like almost everyone else, I have been victim to this process without being fully aware of how or when it happens. Now that I am more aware, I can see more clearly how ludicrous it is. We are all imperfect and make mistakes. It is human nature. Most of us don’t intend to make mistakes, or be careless in our behavior, but no matter how hard any of us might try, it still won’t protect us from our imperfections.
If I believe in this fundamental premise - that I will never be free of imperfection - does it make sense for me to create and hold on to anger about mistakes that other people make? Most of the hurts and resentments I think or feel are small and petty issues in the grand scheme of things. I realize that I get angry or resentful toward people for displaying the same behavior I do. The difference is that when I offend someone, it’s an unintended “mistake.” When someone else does it, there’s a story involving deliberate motivation and intention that gets attached to the behavior until it takes on conspiratorial dimensions. Pretty crazy, huh? I guess we are all a little crazy in these instances. As I am learning, there is only one way to change this unproductive and harmful behavior: Awareness.
Just from the simple - but not always easy - act of being more present and aware, we step back from our thinking selves and come to see our behaviors and thoughts in a different way. Someone once said, When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. One of the best ways to step back and be more aware is mindfulness meditation. Another is the simplicity of tea practice. As I am often caught up during the day with the drama of my life, I get too lost in my thoughts to be aware of what I am doing to myself and others. Taking time to prepare tea throughout the day helps place me more in the moment. Once there, I become more aware of what I am doing. I notice the simple joy in preparing, sharing and enjoying a cup of tea.
From there, I get a clearer understanding of the problems I have created for myself during the day. I am able to let more things go. Even more important: I can forgive. How many people have we let go from our lives over something forgettable or insignificant? How many people have we chased away because we couldn’t allow them their hurt or resentment without reacting in kind? Let’s all take a personal vow that we will make more time for tea practice and the presence and awareness it brings and allow that present awareness to expand into other areas of our lives. Let’s all work at more fully accepting each other and forgiving.
Today I was hurt
Tea brings me to awareness
Now I forgive you
September 21st, 2008 at 10:35 pm
We have (my hub and I) gone through at least three significant betrayals in the last 12 months; all revolving around money.
It’s sad that money is often at the core of problems. Now that our country is in financial crisis, this looks to increase.
In all of these situations, after the initial pain, sometimes extended pain, we have dealt with the situation as necessary but forgiven the people involved. Sometimes tough love is needed and sometimes separation from people is necessary to stay balanced and whole. At times, involvement promotes dysfunction and a vicious cycle.
My goal is to stay away from people who bring pain and to develop more associations with people who have the same goals of peace and joy and productivity. An old mentor who died at 94 always said, “You are born into your first family and choose your second.”
Some people see meekness as weakness. The ‘trick’ is to not become bitter and disillusioned with life and people in general. There are many beautiful people and time is limited for all of us in how and with whom we spend it.
One reason I like tching is that it seems to be a group of people intent on sharing about a common love of tea and that personalities don’t get in the way of that.
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:52 am
Thanks for sharing your experiences with us Team. It sounds like it must have been a very difficult 12 months for you and your husband. I applaud your ability to forgive. It couldn’t have been easy.
You are right about the potential of money being a destructive force in relationships. When I was working full time as a psychologist I saw many couples. Sadly, money was one of the primary causes of conflict in most relationships. That, along with disagreements on how to raise and discipline kids.
September 22nd, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Thanks Team for sharing your story. I was touched by your words. As a former grudge holder, I’ve worked very hard to learn to “let go”. I used to feel that my anger protected me from future hurt. I’ve learned that isn’t the case at all.
A simple cup of tea is part of my ritual of letting go. It puts me in a much better place, where I feel warm,secure and at peace.
We’re blessed to have you as an active member of the T Ching community.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:20 am
I’m very happy if our experiences were helpful to anyone. We are still in the process of getting things straightened out. Forgiving and letting go is cathartic. Anyway, I am a believer that God is watching and that, ultimately, He sorts things out if we do what we know or believe is right.
There are so many terms for it, karma, ‘what goes around comes around’, the Golden Rule, etc.